Morning Pages

July 21, 2008

Today will not be a groundhog day …this will be a hard-core closure day for the life and the bedrock beliefs that I had in the past which led me to this place now which is not entirely to my satisfaction and fulfillment ….. Somewhere along the road I missed something, made so

me erroneous detours ….. which I want to correct starting now, in preparation for the next phase of my life which starts today and which will be more fulfilling, satisfying, abundant, beautiful, exhilarating and joyful ….
So I may have to refer back to past events and lessons learned not for the sake of digging them up again to relive them, but to face once-and-for all the life I’ve had in the past and courageously admit and repent of the mistakes and errors …I will not go into details but just take an over-all hindsight, a last look at the past , from the point of view of the ‘maturity’ , of ‘lessons’ learned. This will be the last and after this the forgiveness and forgetting , then the absolutely new more empowered matured life w hen I touch grand old age of 55 this coming October…. my plan is to already live the ‘ light-hearted unexamined life ‘ from then on … The last forty years or so have been a burdened life , necessarily so … because I was living the ‘examined life’ with all its existential angst and questions including a period of agnostic tendencies and rebellion against my personal faith in God. Looking back the root cause of all the desert years was really the agnostic mindset that took hold when I was in my mid-teens …Maybe it was a part of growing up , of trying to establish my own identity and self … in the same vein that a child weans itself from the parents as a part of growing up and establishing its own wings …. Only in this instance , I was weaning myself away from my Creator … Although a child grows its own wings of self-identity , it’s roots to its parents and family is not severed … That was my error , my mistake , my sin … I tried to cut away my roots to my Creator in the process of growing my wings.. I have started going back to my roots , the process has been going on for at least twenty – years and it is still on-going , and the main lesson , one of the main lessons is ‘Trust only in God’ , not in human relationships and constructs , and not on the self that is not rooted in faith in God …. In a way, maybe , I’m thankful that I’ve learned that lesson the hard way, even at the cost of so many years without God in my life, because then I appreciate and value more the lessons I have learned . The details and the specific people, relationships and situations and the feelings and emotions that they elicited , that brought forth those lessons are not important now, they are forgiven and forgotten and no longer a part of my present life and future …. And maybe that is the one lesson that today’s morning pages was meant to unearth … What is important is that I fully and truly comprehend and accept the lessons I was supposed to learn from them …. At this point , I can honestly say , that I have said good-bye to those ghosts of the past ….and I’m ready for the next chapter of my life , the pre-senior-citizen years, from 55 to 59 , which will be a ‘light-hearted unexamined life’, no more questions and angsts of any kind , take each workday life as it is … just like the trailing of notes at the end of a song … and always pray to God that I win P10 million in the lotto , so I can already retire any day now and go on that European sojourn and live a ‘gourmet’ life …for once in my life ! Thank You Father God , in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ …..

Having said all that , I now feel , I can take everything in stride …. Like the stupid
feelings I get when forced to attend the flag ceremony under threat of a memo …
like living with the nauseous feeling I still get when seeing one or two people, try hard as I might to forget all about it … I also have no more doubts regarding the tack about temporal success ( worldly prestige, position, clout, fame , money, relationships ) I’ve taken in the past … Some I have justified to myself, some I’ve overturned, some I’ve discarded …. Maybe they were all necessary in the past for me to learn my lessons …. But they’re role in my life have changed and I’m regarding them accordingly…

This exercise to continually watch my inner world not to be pervasively influenced by negatives both from the outer and from me is proving to be a full time job … I have to be ever so watchful …. What is equally hard is my effort to source my feelings of joy and happiness from the inside primarily and ‘basic’ally … from the constant consciousness of a God-based joy and happiness …. And not on externals , alone .
I’ve come to a point when I wouldn’t even allow myself to be glad or happy about an external thing or event …. Which is also on the extreme ….. So I guess the optimum situation should be ---- having an unfreakable state of happiness inside because of inside reasons , at the same time allowing beautiful external things and events to also make me happy but not depending on that and with the express knowledge that it is only temporary …


Got this breathing exercise from care2. Hey, if this is the kind of face I’m gonna have while doing it …. Let’s breathe properly and beautifully right now, by all means !

“Sit still in a chair listening to soft music, or outside listening to the wind in the treetops. As you listen, gently let your attention flow out of your ears as you easily exhale. Repeat for a minute, then do the same thing through your eyes, letting your attention go outward on the breath, slowly and gently. Repeat this through the nostrils, the mouth, then sit quietly just listening to the music with your whole body.
Now allow your attention to sink into your chest. Feel where your heart center is (at the point where the breastbone and ribs join) and breathe out through it, letting your attention go with the breath. Continue gently for another minute, then sit quietly, aware of your body.
This exercise consciously links respiration and the nervous system, helping to promote their smooth integration. Feeling your awareness as it flows out on your breath gives you a powerful sense of being at harmony with nature.
Adapted from Ageless Body, Timeless Mind, by Deepak Chopra (Harmony Books, 2007).”