July 22, 2008
I’ve been missing doing some morning pages and this is supposed to be done without any lapse … Julia Cameron says if one has nothing to write one should just fill up the three pages with ‘I have nothing to write …’ . As usual , I’m doing my own version of the morning pages …. It’s my nature, I’ve found … I don’t follow things and rules exactly … I always try to inject my own input …. I don’t do that purposely to be rebellious and disobedient …. It just comes out …. I find rules confining … Of course I try very hard to obey the rules that would prevent me from disobeying God, from hurting other people and doing immoral things …. But if the rule has no moral or good/bad basis … I usually find myself inputting something of my own …. Like I find the bundy clock and the uniforms and memos forcing one to do things that should be done out of individual belief and voluntarily , with the threat of penalty stupid and a block to productivity and creativity ….
I’m now intrinsically wary of human leaders and managers,’ having read the news’ , as the Beatles would say/sing … Having learned my lessons , I now do not recognize any human being trying to control my life in any way … Total control of my life I return and give back to God. Established authorities (government, etc..) are there installed by God for the good of all , and if any human being not worthy tries to occupy those positions for their own greed for power and privilege , well …. it is but logical to remove them from office …. The office is not being rebelled against …. Only the unworthy human beings occupying them …
Domestic Note for me : Never, ever buy frozen salmon or fish again , to save a few pesos … the taste is awful and I have to force myself to eat , so the thing will not go to waste ….
On the domestic front , also … a ritual for me …. I try to have a bottle of wine, olive oil and honey in the kitchen at all times …. Some sort of an ‘abundance’ ritual for me, to surround me with an ambience and feeling of abundance and gourmet … Wala lang, ‘trip’ ko lang…
The ff. is from Mike Brecia :
“Big and small decisions and actions are based on:
1- Core beliefs... what you accept as true (or true for you)
2- Thoughts... and most of these are based on your belief systems
3- Attitudes... your values based on your beliefs and thoughts
4- Emotions... mental states caused by a mixture of your beliefs, thoughts, attitudes and situations you are in.”
I’ve been trying to consciously change my inner programming for some time now ( 2-3 years ) and progress is slow . So , whenever possible , I try to give myself some dose of treatment or reminder regarding these matters .
One pivotal thing that I have to change inner programming on is the matter of money . Up to when I found myself in an uncomfortable , oppressive situation of paying up personal consumption debts from GSIS, BIRSALA, COOP, PAG-IBIG and two credit cards and loosing precious sleep and energy , did I really try to look closely at my money-inner world , which ultimately lead to coming face-to-face to my beliefs, thoughts/feelings and attitudes about money. And surprise of all surprises , those were not the ultimate root cause of all my money problems … you know where it lead to ? --- to basic faith and trust in God, having consciousness of God in my everyday life, self-esteem issues , issues about relationships with the world and other people , my own basic personality traits … Grabe , so deep and chaotic …. I don’t even know how to begin to describe them … But I have to , to bring them out in the open and look at then right in their faces or actually , my face …. So I can discard then and on to my new ‘money’ life ….
But I must have some hidden practical streak because on concrete action I did was to cut up my credit cards, withdraw my membership in BIRSALA and Coop to reduce the number of channels for credit. GSIS and PAG-IBIG are government-required so I couldn’t do anything about them. The next steps were debt consolidation ( fancy word for taking a huge loan ( relative to the size of my then-psychological pocket …. which I have enlarged and upgraded … more later on this) …. How about an eight-month salary loan from GSIS and paid to zero my two credit cards-debt … ( Up to now …. I still could whack my head over my stupidity …..!!!) and slowly, painfully streamlined my expenses ….. first to go were the books and magazines, then the clothes , then the original CDs ( for the life of me I can’t think of myself buying an original DVD …) , the regular café visits , the odd home-décor now and then …. And this streamlining has been going on for four years now , parallel to my paying-the-GSIS loan schedules which will end in 2009…
Ahhh …. The poor people …. How did I ever get the unrealistic , romantic notion that all poor people compensate their physical poverty with virtues of the heart and spirit ….That was one belief that came from I don’t know where that I have gladly discarded… there are rude and unscrupulous people in all sections of the poor –rich spectrum … Crude awakening ….
Hey, five , going home …………..
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