Non- BLogs Past

April 03, 2007 ....... Looking over some Drive A diskettes that I've forgotten I still have, I came across this 1998 MSWord logs.
I'm transferring them to this more permanent location . It feels weird , sometimes , reading these past journals ... sometimes
it feels like I'm reading about somebody else ....hopefully , that means I've changed for the better and had some progress in
my mainly spiritual journey. Sometimes, I feel I'm reading about my present spiritual situation which means I've not gone
any further on my spiritual journey ...

Musings

Dec. 01, 1998
I woke up this morning feeling that MS G has just died, the ego , the self called MSG has just died. I’m praying for a new wineskin for new wine, a new cloth and new self where the mind and the spirit of Christ can dwell, can live .

It’s heavy stuff. About ten years ago, I had the feeling of going into darkness, of having a coffin’s lid closing upon me, and what followed was years of struggle against my dark self, a struggle against the people and environment I was in. And every time I had to look at my self, at my faults . I was confused whether all the wrong things that I was experiencing from people and circumstances were entirely my fault . Every time I would think that I was not at fault , I still had to struggle that I will not do the same thing to the one who perpetuated the wrong thing. In the end, the answer , was transcendence over the question of who or what was right or wrong. If I was wronged, I had to forgive . If I was wrong, I had to repent . For ten years , I was aware of those movements inside me. I had to stretch my emotional and spiritual resources to be able to cope, until these were not enough …… I had to depend on God to provide me with the spiritual resources …. And now I’m dead to myself …. And now I trust only in God ……. And now I have new wineskins. And for that I am grateful to the Lord.

I feel like this is a new beginning for me, a second chance . All the past I surrender to the Lord. I pray that all will be forgotten and only those memories that were hatched in love and truth will remain. The present and the future I surrender to the Lord Jesus Christ. All my desires and my will , my mind , my feelings , I surrender to the Lord Jesus Christ.

MSG is dead. Long live the Lord Jesus Christ in my life --- King, Saviour, Master , Author , Leader , Designer, Artist and Architect of my life !!!!!

December 14, 1998
Christmas gifts dilemna still going on ---- who to include in my Christmas list ; motivations and reasons for not including this or that person given scarce resources , how much to spend for each gift, what gift would be most appropriate for a particular person , the appropriate things to say on the gift card for each particular person …. it can be a time consuming thing and maddening thing. But all that for the spirit of giving which we are to highlight during this season.

Next year, I resolve , in order not to be hemmed in by scarcity of money around Christmas time --- starting January , I will start buying Christmas gifts … that way I can give during Christmas to as many as I can.

I know this is probably the shallowest way of showing caring and love for one’s fellowmen , to as many as I humanly can , but its a step in the ladder , the lowest and inconsequential rung maybe, but a step nonetheless … Anyway , I enjoy looking beautiful things, wrapping them up and maybe saying an inspirational thing or two..

I would like to think that at one stage in my life , I have believed that I was ready to give up my life and my future ( in the usual way of reckoning the future) under the idealistic theme and plot of “ Serving the People” …. and even if I did not do spectacular and monumental deeds, the underlying theme of most of the things, if not all, of the things, the seemingly ordinary , common, routinary , and seemingly inconsequential actions ( viewing it , of course , from a worldly viewpoint ) was service to the downtrodden and fighting against any kind of tyranny , be it on a small or grand scale , such as the martial law dictatorship. That seemed to be the highest rung in the ladder of caring for and loving one’s fellowmen. And while I was at it, I was wrapped up in all these dramatic, heroic , idealistic, idyllic feelings. But something deceptive was lurking behind all these ideals and grandstanding …. while perhaps the ideals were valid and the acts were towards caring and loving one’s fellowmen ( in the abstract, I now realize… more on this later) , another angle being catered to was my need for self fulfillment, the seeking for meaning , reason and use for one’s existence. The equation, the picture was deceptive, warped and incomplete ….. And I realize now , God and God’s will was not in the equation …. And I have an inkling this is the reason behind the sense of failure, of cynicism, disappointment , and apathy …. ( This is getting heavier , got to rest now, will be back ) …..


December 16, 1998
These thoughts ran through my head moments after I woke up. The truth and validity of these thoughts , I submit to the Lord Jesus……

That there must be even the tiniest spark of light in every man, inspite of his sinfulness , such that God considered it worthwhile to redeem him through our Lord Jesus Christ. Evil , He destroys but man , though sinful , is not totally or is not evil ….. But the Bible says that it is because God loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son… and not because of man’s worthiness.

These are heavy thoughts, and I really don’t relish thinking them … I’d rather think of beautiful and lighthearted things , nice , romantic and inspirational things …. I don’t know for what purpose these thoughts are. Lord Jesus, I surrender these heavy thoughts to you. Please guide me and light my mind and my path. Thank you.

My personal experience is after I began praying more, reading scriptures and began accepting the Lord Jesus Christ in my heart and life, I started having a sense of “conclusivity “ so to speak, the computer does not accept this word ) to my life …. in other words , there seemed to appear a direction, more of an end to my life. I once said, Jesus is the period to my life’s sentence. I used to think that my existence was undefined, at the end of the line, was some sort of a hanging feeling, a disturbing, hanging feeling …..